Why did God allow this?

January is a tough time for me because my dad’s Angelversary is on the 25th. His journey to transition was particularly difficult. When he had a heart attack and ended up in a coma, I was heartbroken, and I couldn’t understand why God allowed it to happen. I was a teacher at the time, and I told my students that if he passed away, I wouldn’t be able to come back to teaching for the remainder of the school year. They called me every day from class and checked on me. I prayed earnestly for God to bring my dad back to a reasonable portion of health for the first few days. I had an epiphany around day 4 and began to pray for God to give me strength for whatever His will was. That shift in mindset was essential for my ability to cope without questioning or being angry with God.

He wasn’t on life support, just a ventilator. The brainstem could function with little oxygen and still regulate his heartbeat and breathing, but the muscles that cleared his airway were no longer functioning. In essence, he would never be able to “be a person” again. I didn’t speak to the neurologists until the following week. I learned he was anoxic (without oxygen) for approximately 25 minutes. I was angry that no one told me that information sooner, because my dad had given me Power of Attorney, and he had given me instructions never to leave him in a vegetative state. Had I known this from day one, it would have been devastating. God knew that as well. He orchestrated the events in a way I could handle them. I didn’t realize that until everything had settled. Sometimes, we can’t see the purpose of a situation and why things are happening until after the fact, but we must stay the course and lean on God.

I had to make the decision to discontinue care. That meant removing all stabilizing elements so he could transition. I had discussed with my cousin, who was a nurse, that he would be transitioned in a few hours. A few hours passed, and his vitals looked better than when he was in full health. I questioned my decision but prayed for God to remove my doubt and guilt. The next day came, and the whole time, I kept telling my dad he didn’t have to fight so hard, he could let go, and everything would be okay. I hadn’t slept a wink; I was exhausted. I sat down next to my dad, placed his hand in mine, told him I was tired, and lay my head on his shoulder. I said, “I will be okay, you can let go,” and his vitals started to drop. He needed to hear that I would be okay and that he could let go. I sat up, looked at my dad, and his eyes met mine, which was medically impossible in his condition. I told him I loved him, and his vitals flatlined. That was God. He knew I needed closure, and He gave it to me in that single moment.

God also gave me the strength to return to work. I was teaching Human Anatomy & Physiology at the time, and we were on the nervous system. I had the strength to use my dad’s journey as a real-life example of how the nervous system is affected by a lack of oxygen. God turned my tragedy into triumph in the classroom.

The whole situation is a testimony to God’s power and how His strength can get us through the most difficult times. The adage, “Every test is a testimony,” is so true. One of my favorite verses is Joshua 1:9 – “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (NIV).

In your darkest hour, God has not left you; He is right there with you and will give you strength to endure if you depend on Him. Things don’t always go the way we wish they would, but that doesn’t mean God has abandoned or punished you. Like Job, it is an opportunity to show you have faith even when things are not going your way. Be encouraged, for there is no situation God cannot handle. 

In closing, if you are struggling with depression, anxiety, mood fluctuations, voices, hallucinations, etc., do not try to keep it to yourself. The result will not be good. No one can help if you never reach out. You don’t have to struggle alone. There are professionals out there who can help, and don’t let lack of insurance or low income prevent you from seeking the help you need and deserve. The best way to connect with resources is to contact your local National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

Go to https://www.nami.org, and you will see the tab in the upper right corner.  If you are in crisis, call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), text “HelpLine” to 62640, or email NAMI at helpline@nami.org from 10 am to 10 pm ET.

Written By:

Cassie Conner, a native of Springfield, IL with degrees in chemistry and biology with a medical science specialization and teaching, 12 years of teaching 7th grade science, a veteran O7 officer of the US Navy who lives with PTSD, a mother of three and GiGi of two. 

cassie.conner79@gmail.com